What doesn’t kill you…

… makes you stronger. Well, we’ll come back to that a little later.

So, here we are in 2017. The food has been eaten in portions the size of a small fishing village, lakes of wine drunk and felicitations-aplenty exchanged. So let’s start with being very clear on New Year Resolutions from Ade:

Anyway, here I am in 2017. Who would have thought it?? 1st January. A year since my big fall. A year of struggle, pain, fear, frustration, treatment. A year where, for much of the first part at least, I had no intention at all of seeing 2017. It’s been a while since I’ve put fingers to keyboard. Partly because  I’ve been busy rebuilding my life and partly because there was a danger I’d break my own rule of ensuring I kept the blogs light.

As with all the blogs, I’ve started off without a clue of where it’s going, so dear reader, as always, I’ll be just as interested in you to see what inane drivel emanates from my fingers!

How about 2016 in numbers?
58-ish prescriptions
96-ish hours of medical appointments
13 blogs
27 notes in my kilner jar
5000 miles ridden (approx!)
£1928.15 raised for CALM

I also started the year thinking I was so very alone, but looking back now, I can see just how wrong I was. I started running through the names of all the people that have been there for me. There’s obviously been my family, but also… Several Marks, a few Dave’s a handful of Emmas. There’s been Erik, Kirsty, Matt. A couple of Robs & Gaynors. There’s been Caz, Alison, Andy, Paul, Sally, Chris & Christine. Just remembered another Dave & a Debbie or two. A brace or two of Richards. Not forgetting either my inspiration for the rides – Wyatt and indeed Dr Garr – my long suffering and unbelievably patient GP! There’s been my outstanding, incomparable WLWUTPA family… you’re probably getting the picture here right?? The list is very long and a variable mix of distinguishedness (Not sure that’s a word, but let’s go with it for now!)

Basically, I’ve been surrounded by friends that I was too down, too low, too blinkered to see. To all of those people, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for your love, care, time, attention. Thank you all for helping me through the hardest, most frightening year of my life. I don’t say it lightly when I say I couldn’t have done it, indeed I wouldn’t be here, without you.

So, am I better? Am I fixed? Honestly, I don’t know. I’m certainly better than I was. My free time is no longer filled with thoughts of calling it a day – so I guess in that respect then yes, I am “better.” I’m filling my spare time with positive things – friends, climbing, the gym. Work is no longer the only thing I live for. I do have one big fear left though. I fear that depression could be like alcoholism – the part where an alcoholic could be just one drink away from a steep decline. I fear that I’m just one knock away from a decline back to a deep depression. On Friday I start the next phase of my treatment which is apparently aimed at teaching me the ways of coping, strategies to manage problems – something I’ve been very aware that I’ve lacked from the very start.

From the information I’ve been given, it seems a bit woolly, a bit confusing. As always though, I can only say that the jury is out until I’ve tried it. That’s something else I’ve learnt this year. Trying something is actually very easy. The hard part is finding the courage to admit you need to try it.

Anyway, my mind is now drifting off to whether young Boavac had a good Christmas – maybe Santa brought his dad a dictionary… so instead, I’ll drift into a small pictorial interlude of some of the high points of my year…

In time honoured tradition – well for my blog at least – it’s time to tidy up the post with a link to the title and dress it up with a little bow.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
I don’t fully agree. What doesn’t kill you beats you around and leaves you a bit scarred, it makes you a little wiser, sometimes more cynical. Stronger – I don’t think so. I think I’ll just go with this:

As always, final thanks go to to everyone that helps me. My family, friends, team at work, the support teams. Most of all though, the volunteers that give up their time from their lives to help complete strangers like me. Give them a thought too – they are outstanding.
https://www.thecalmzone.net/
http://www.samaritans.org/

And remember, Talk to someone and ask for help. There’s no shame in it and it will help.

I’m off now to start planning my CALM fundraising for 2017 – bigger and better!
Maybe speak soon
Ade xx