Life is a Rollercoaster…

According to Ronan, Life is a Rollercoaster and you just gotta ride it – terrible abuse of English there. I’m unconvinced he can claim to be the true the originator of the phrase, but for now we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Whether your musical tastes extend to former boy-band-front-men or not, he makes a fair statement. Incidentally, can he be considered front man in a boy band or should he be front-boy? Jeez – a digression in the first paragraph. Well dear reader, you may as well settle in for the ride (pun intended) as if I’m digressing already, it could be a long one.

Anyway, rollercoaster, life etc. Yep, like it or not, it is. Last week I shared my wisdom on how people on the outside see depression. Tonight, I’ll give you another insight into things from this side.

One of the things with depression is that the highs are very high but also the lows are very low. I’m not talking bipolar here as such, just that when you’re down, you’re very down. Full of self-loathing, you spend a lot of time belittling yourself. In fact, I can do far worse to myself than anyone else could do to me. Conversely, when something goes well, you feel like a god – or in the interests of equality, a goddess.

That was last week for me. Last week I fell over – from previous posts, you’ll have an idea what that looks like so I won’t drag myself through it again – or the reasons. I was useless, worthless, a drain on society, a drain on the earth itself. Sadly, like a black hole, I dragged in other people. I spent several days just not wanting to BE. Simple as that. On Thursday I only made an hour in the office before I broke and had to crawl back to lick my wounds.

On Friday morning I had a counselling session and raked over it all again, but at least found one or two reasons why it had happened and even shared a joke with the counsellor. Then, although mentally tired from the week I started to fly.

The reason? I had a purpose. Friday afternoon was the first of my six charity rides that I’m doing over the next few months for CALM. It was fantastic. I was in the right frame of mind. I set out with the group and managed to stick with the leaders for the first 7 or 8 miles. Yeah, after that I started to slip back, but as I was “up” I could be rational. I’m 47, I drink, I smoke etc. I can cope with not being first, I’d just be happy to finish. I hooked up with another chap who was slightly off the pace like I was  and we spent the ride chatting – nothing deep, just stuff – and enjoying the ride.

I finished the ride, somewhere in the middle and happy. Endorphins were coasting through my veins and when I checked the computer, I’d not only beaten my target time, but also set a new personal best.

Then came Saturday and my big sis came to see me. It was great. We chatted, did the tour of campus, ate, drank, watched a film etc. Bloody marvelous. Had a really great time – the problems from earlier in the week had been put behind me. From Friday afternoon through to Sunday lunchtime I was alive again. Then she had to go. And that hurt. That started the downhill slide. But… for the very first time since I was first diagnosed with depression. I stopped the slide.

When big sis arrived, she came bearing gifts. One of which was a simple Kilner Jar. Simple, but it came with a bow and more importantly an instruction.

Simple and clear:
Start with the empty jar and fill it with notes about good things that happen. Then, on New Year’s Eve, empty it and see what awesome stuff happened through the year.

The jar now has its first notes:
1: 1st Charity Ride & Personal Best
2: Great Weekend with my big sis
And more importantly, from last night
3: Stopped the slide for the first time

Final thanks go to to everyone that helps me. My family – and on this occasion, especially big sis, friends, team at work, the support teams. Most of all though, the volunteers that give up their time from their lives to help complete strangers like me. Give them a thought too – they are outstanding.
https://www.thecalmzone.net/
http://www.samaritans.org/

And remember, Talk to someone and ask for help. There’s no shame in it and it will help.

Maybe speak soon
Ade xx

Ps. I still bloody hate rollercoasters!!